Thursday, October 1, 2009

Butterflies- Titliyaan....

Funny sometimes how when u least expect something you get something tapping your shoulder as an opportunity. You get carried away let your guard down and when you least expect, it comes like a big “Thud“to you. Welcome to the worst place for mankind Earth my friend and welcome to the worst time to be here on it- The Nineteen Eighties to God knows when….

I wanted to keep this post for some time before I could convincingly put it up waiting for some more stabs before I label the angel the devil. Well I guess I got my last pinch of reality today and yes it still did turn me red but not with gladness but disgust and despair. I am the bloody object that is always the object and my right place is the floor. One cannot handle me too long in their hands, in their arms, they have to slam me down coz m an object, coz I don’t live and coz I am this big convenient fool who has “Sucker” written all over him. Am I so worthless, is this world really this shitty a place that's worth nothing, neither genuine hard work nor pure love.

Please see the transformation in this poem. Yes if u ask me, it was written twice….

Oh lovely little butterfly

Why don’t you ever stop by

Why do you come, tease and leave

Why don’t you ever stay back with me….

I didn’t choose to come to your garden

Luck brought me here by chance

Once here enchanted by you and your world

I vowed not to leave anything to circumstance

I was busy making my world work

The world that’s got the head as its boss

Trying all efforts to make it big in life

Throwing all the love & mush out for a toss

I still am a secret believer, a devotee of sorts

But this time neither did i wish nor a command

Then why did the universe react and gave in

To my “Oh I never knew I wanted that” demand

If same pinches were the ways to appreciate similarity

This person by now had turned me red all over

So much in pain (but still praying for more and more)

To see if it’s reality or just a hangover

We try to meet more and more, talk endless over the phone

Allowed some sins too- Was it senseless mingling

Thought we would get bored but our souls touched

In a losing battle to wake up, we went on dreaming

Dreams led to starch realities we wanted for us

Time passed and a day came when we had to part

We planned everything from when to where

Many questions asked but none of future or past

It was perfect this shadow of mine

So adorable my closest to real soulmate

Wish we stay together for ever and ever

When suddenly it came crashing down back to my old fate

We would never last, she said and when I asked why??

Because she given up and cant try for an arrangement

She had a past and that would now be her great future

Well what was I then- A pit stop entertainment????

I am wondering why I let this happen to me

If I am so good that I can be the one picked

Loved, used & thrown without any regret

Is it my fault for which I SHUD BE KICKED!!!!

Let me be your getaway from this odd life of yours, your respite in the mistakes that you made so far…. Let me be your bed where you can rest, cuddle, scavenge, fight, loose or win, get tired, sleep over it, rejuvenate and then jus walk off me leaving the sheets strewn, blots on the mattress and most of all, the pillow torn. Now that you are gone I feel so used, trampled, pitied sometimes sympathized, felt sorry for but left abandoned like a stray dog chasing a car….

Oh lovely little butterfly

Don’t you ever come by

Don’t you spoil my dreams turning them into nightmares?

Let me live all by myself happily alone if that’s how it’s meant to be

At least I will have a smile on my face and some peace in my mind.

Lastly to add some lines from my current favorite song- “Titliyan”

Dil tha, Khilona
Chalo toot gaya, Kya karein
Koi Saathi tha , jise chaha tha..
Wohi loot gaya, kya karein….

Aria my dear here's my Metaphysics from the Shadow to the Butterfly....


Unknown said...

Quite nice....!!!

aria said...

I wanted to say something more than what I am going to say now but I remember those days when I had posted similar stuff and the kind of sermons I got by readers then never really went well with my mood so I had rather not. I know what this feeling is - we feel its the only thing which matters in the world.. and rest were always secondary ..
writing about it - was always cathartic.. it was like I am talking to myself and if anyone else is listening well and good. I just wanted a listener not sympathizer.. however I really feel for you .. its very touching .. the way you've written .. I hope this passes soon .. take care.

Chaggoholic.... said...

@Regin Well thnk u so much for bein there dear really appreciate ur help....

@Aria: What can i say? I m this convenient guy ppl can have relationships with but never value the value i hv and i bring in it. This one too, till date stays confused and has left my mind and heart so divided that its not even funny....

Gauri said...

I came back to this space after what seems like ages...i see i have missed more than a couple of posts...but am so glad i came back :)
Deep thoughts ...reflecting deeper emotions ..A Thumbs up to your writing!!

Unknown said...

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